Friday, June 27, 2003


"as for the US, they all coke snorting /
gave birth to hip hop, but now its an orphan"
Chester P

Thursday, June 26, 2003


If someone constantly lends money from everyone he knows, avoids them tenaciously when he has money and then reappears when he's spent it to borrow more, does that make him a borrowshark, or maybe a loanwhale?

Wednesday, June 25, 2003

Third Degree Show

Passed by Camberwell Art College to see the degree show, not because of any great yearning on my part, I should point out. I was just accompanying someone viewing their cousins display. A more tedious array of pretentious nonsense I could barely imagine. It does really bring out the Brian Sewell in you when you wonder round acres of uninspired nonsense unabashedly parading itself as vital. Every scrap of paper seemed to be accompanied by a long-winded essay expounding relentlessly, if not always coherently, on the display's inner meanings. I mean, is the title not enough? Isnt that rather the point of art, that it speaks for itself; otherwise you may as well just write the essay. It appears that a work of art needs its own PR team before it can be taken seriously by the artstablishment, ironically daubing it in a big clown's nose and wig for everyone else. I've never had such a strong sense of talent being ruined by education than I did down there.

Monday, June 23, 2003

Depressive Induction

Government sources today were cock-a-hoop at the success of their latest mass control strategy, known as PDI, or public depressive induction. Involving a surreptious London-wide release of thin gas containing mild serotonin-inhibiting neurotransmitters, the government has received results back suggesting a four-fold rise in reported depression amongst Londoners in the four weeks that the gas has been circulated. Since doctors are estimated to only see around 5% of depressive episodes - since most people dont necessarily see the doctor as an answer for their symptoms - this figure suggests that close to 65-70% of London's population suffered a tangible and negative response to the gas release, a wildly successful figure for this type of activity.

However, the whole project has been criticised because despite the evident success of the gas, the actual results of increasing depression in the capital are more difficult to establish. It is well known that many people react differently to mild depression, only some succumbing to the desirable langour whilst others engage in all sorts of unpredictable behaviour in response. In this light, the popularity of depressive-inducers as a tool of public governance is quite courageous and unexpected. Some experts suggest the rather cynical idea that once the mild form is easily created, the more serious and predictable form could be used. Of course, powerful depression, whilst a potent inhibitor of public disorder, is frequently responsible for suicide, which is frowned upon by the industry and treasury ministries. However, the government report which first recommended the experiment, seems to be content with the results purely from mild depression induction. We have exclusively obtained a copy and excerpts are reprinted below.

"Mild depression is useful to be able to cause, because it tends to make people choose from a smaller pallette of options. Because it is generally quite prominent, even in mild form, in the sufferers consciousness, it will force the person very quickly to make otherwise unnecessary changes to their plans and habits. The form that these changes will take are dependent on several factors, but are quite easily split into four groups. These are 1) langour 2) hyperactivity 3) religious observance 4)alcoholism. The problem is, of course, that which of these four any one person will choose is not easily predictable. Even if one person has a tendency to choose one, another may be chosen with no apparent or obvious causation involved. Of these 1,3 and 4 are perhaps best suited for this public policy although both 3 and 4 can have severe downsides, involving typically violence and/or terrorism. 2 is too dangerous to be seriously used in this public policy, due to the unpredictability which is in its nature, although as it tends to affect less than 25% of those affected, it may be felt a reasonable price to pay.

"In so far as the unpredictability makes the experiment useless, we take the view that since largely the results will follow statistical predictions, chaotic individuality is not to be a major concern. This is the why, of course, such a policy is better suited to large urban areas where statistics have a chance to off set each other, instead of small villages and towns, where individual cases may have a far greater impact on the result of the entire experiment. For this reason we dont recommend the use of this policy on conurbations with populations smaller than 500,000 (five hundred thousand), and preferably not less than 1,000,000 (one million).

"The purpose of causing mild depressive instances in the general public is three fold. Firstly the immediate effects, which have been detailed above. Secondly, the unexpected and unattributable cause of the instance (to the sufferer) greatly enhances his impression of self-uncontrol and of insecurity. This is clearly beneficial to any serious public policy. The third effect is to coincidentally undermine any alternative treatments being sought for non-government-induced depression, since the sufferer will be certainly be distracted by the apparent failure of the treatment to prevent the episode. Whilst initially only a knock-on effect, this may yet play a very important role in the longer term public policy, in that pulling the wood out of the fire of alternative and independent treatment facilities will certainly be beneficial if and when a full mind control facility becomes available."

Monday, June 09, 2003

Ideathon part three

The Vindictaphone. Automatically send nasty messages to people you hate.

Thursday, June 05, 2003

Suicide Nets for Goalposts

Hackney council are to launch new anti-suicide measures on their tower blocks after it emerged that the "suicide nets", hung about 30 feet in the air to catch suicidal jumpers, were being used by kids in daredevil contests. Several tenants have reported children as young as seven flying past their windows and landing in the nets, some from as high as the nineteenth floor. One tenant described how one child liked it so much that he jumped four times in one hour. "He must be getting very fit," the tenant told us, "since the lifts aren't working."

All the children on the Hackney Green estate we spoke to denied being involved but several, after fleecing us of several items with small resale value, agreed that they had seen others taking part in the contests, which they described as 'stunting'. The best at 'stunting' were said to be two 9-year-old twins who not only have jumped from the highest point, but also perform various gymnastic feats, in the manner of competition divers. They also told us that at night kids throw lit fireworks down after their free-falling friends, in an attempt to knock them off course and away from the nets. Thankfully, no-one has succeeded, although one rocket did fly through an open window and set fire to the flat of a 86-year-old widow. Neither has anyone jumped from the roof of the block and the council have already installed a net at the nineteenth floor height to prevent that. Locals say, however, when the youth are not actually jumping into the nets they like to climb into them and smoke marijuana, hanging 190 feet in the air.

No-one has apparently been seriously injured yet, although the local hospital had reported a previously unexplained rise in whiplash amongst the estate's kids.

Our man on the underground writes meanwhile, the local underground station's management are quietly campaigning for the removal of all suicide prevention on the estate. They say that since the introduction of the nets suicides at their station have increased eight-fold. They point out, in private, that the cost of cleaning one body from the floor of a tower block is minimal compared to the cost of scraping it up from between electrified rails, not to mention the cost from the loss of train service and most especially in sick pay to distraught members of staff. The council have given them short shrift however, and informed them to consider setting up their own suicide nets.

Wednesday, June 04, 2003

Ideathon part two

Instead of penalties at the end of a football match, instead of silver and gold goals, instead of all the other nonsense that they always come out with, why not simply remove the two linesmen and hence the offside rule. Someone would score in roughly two minutes. In fact the score at the end of extra time could get basketballesque

Monday, June 02, 2003

Ideathon part one

Why dont trains have exercise bikes? That way people can pass the time on boring journeys by getting in a little cardio. They could even help the train go faster. Stick them on the roof and they'd not only save space but also air conditioning.

Sunday, June 01, 2003


Excitement for people who dont want to do anything too exciting