Vote goat – general election special

I live in a safe Labour seat. Very safe. They could put up a goat for election, a Satanist, Stalinist baby-eating, crack-smoking goat, and it would trot to victory without breaking a sweat. Labour has held this seat for so long the other parties are reduced to standing at the back dressed stupidly and looking stupid. It's so safe Fort Knox is on the phone, looking for tips. (Speaking of which, does anyone say "safe" any more? As in "Here's your ten-pound draw." "Safe, mate." I haven't said it for years, but then I haven't bought a ten-pound draw for years either, so maybe that's why.)

So anyway, I don't need to vote Labour in this election, because as I say, the whole goat thing, even though I hope to God's highest hopes that Red Ed gets in – HOPE TO FUCK – and not Cameron & his tribune of absolute cunts. But Labour are in round my way whatever I do, so I was going to vote Green, because you know, encourager les autres and all that.

But now, you see, with the whole Cameron claiming that getting the most votes counts in the legitimacy stakes – despite the whole parliamentary democracy thing – now I have a reason to vote Labour, to shore up their vote against such manifest shenanigans. But then again, my one little biddy vote doesn't count for much. But then again, what if other people think like me? So here's the thing:

I'm not positing any laws of spiritual causality here. I don't imagine what I choose to do will somehow influence anyone else. But I've noticed that I'm not an original thinker. I've noticed that when I think of a joke to tell on Twitter, someone else has thought of it; when I think of a comment to write under an Owen Jones CiF piece, someone else has already written it. In short, I'm one of a lot of thinkalikes. So, I have to conclude that whatever I decide to do viz this Labour/Green/Goat scenario, others will have also concluded it. Those of us bound together across space and time by our less-than-original minds will all vote the same way, so what I decide could count for a lot, or at least enough to wipe that smug cunt fuckwit leer off of Cameron's self-satisfied mug. That would get his goat. Vote goat.