something like that

Some charity or other organised a football match on Wormwood Scrubs between QPR FC and a Feltham Prison XI, most of whom turned up looking as if they'd been living on cigarette papers their whole lives. It wasn't a great spectacle, but the pros outweighed the cons.

The sauce of bad jokes

What did the fish say to the chips?
Ketchup later! Tartar For Now!!

What's in a name

Labour sources were pointing the finger at the Unite trade union, which is riven by splits

Simple mathematics

In a town outside of Neabridge the restaurants were battling for declining custom. Some tried advertising, some tried special offers. As things got worse, many took to attacking their competitors, by badmouthing them, sending threats and attacking delivery drivers. The winner out of the uproar was the supermarket, who were now selling hundreds more microwave meals than previously. Careful investigation discovered that the manager was the root of the problem, by secretly encouraging the restaurants to expand. How did that work, he was asked. He told them: "It's simple mathematics. You have to add take aways to multiply division."

Yes, this casino really is called

Moron go

The Times is streets ahead

Accurate forecasts of the weather in individual streets are likely to be available within five years, meterorologists predict.