Frequently Asked Questions

People often ask me questions, and instead of answering them individually I thought it would be easier if I had my own FAQ to direct them to. So here it is, criticalbill's frequently asked questions.

Why are you called critical bill?
It's actually criticalbill.

Why are you called criticalbill?
There are many various reasons. To list just a few: I have critical bills to pay; I'm famously negative about ducks' mouths; I'm a vital piece of legislation; My real name is William and I'm in ICU; I once said Bill Hicks weren't as funny as he used to be.

What is your real name?
Well the concept of reality and the concept of naming are both complicated concepts. So, let me instead ask you some questions: What kind of real name are you interested in? The one my mother called me? The names people call me nowadays? The one I use for communication transactions? Or the one you'll need to serve papers on me? In which case, naff off

Why do you persevere with this blog when it is evident that you'd get more response in a cemetery?
Like mountaineers say about Everest, I do it because lots of other people have already done it, and some of them have gone on to tangential success.

What is your favourite kind of music?
I quite like music from other planets, but it is very hard to get hold of, even in this internet age.

What is your favourite plant?
I'm fond of the architecture of Sizewell B.

Is your entire sense of humour based on finding words with more than one meaning and then crowbarring them into otherwise innocent conversations?
Hmmm, entire, is that what you use to manoeuvre an En?

Do you want a bigger diick? Would you like to buy Viaggra?
Yes please, where the hell have you been all my life? Don't you people advertise?

I am an Nigerian con-artist and I wonder if you'd send me lots of money for no return whatsoever?
How can I be sure that you're Nigerian?

I would like to employ you at a staggeringly high salary to produce much the same material as you are already doing, but perhaps not quite as good and probably a bit less as well, can I give you loads of money now and then you supply the material when you're ready?
Yes, of course, but my fee has gone up since you asked.

Are these actually frequently asked questions, or did you just make them up?
That is an excellent question, I'm glad you asked me that, thanks.

How can I contact you?
You can phone, or send me a letter. I'm also available via spirit mediums.