At the Fringe
Winner of best thing I saw award: Ovid's Metamorphoses. By a country mile. See it at the Croydon Warehouse, and it must be good if I'm telling you to go to Croydon.
Winner of best performer I saw award: Scottee.
Winner of funniest comedian I saw award: Not much competition, but I've got to give it to Jim Jefferies. See him in London in December or buy the DVD that may have my mug on it.
Winner of worst attempt to truncate play to fit into the Edinburgh hour: Women Laughing, where they apparently performed act one and then gave out a synopsis to let you know what happened in act two.
Winner of website I wish I'd known about before trying to choose comedy to go to: Chortle Fast Fringe on YouTube, five or so minutes of quite a few comedians' acts.
Winner of website I could manage to write for: Fringebiscuit, twitter-sized reviews of lots of shows, worth a perusal if you're bored.
Most annoyed I missed award: Peter Wayne, who wasn't in the fringe programme, but did two days at the Roxy; I was worried that he'd be too sketchy to turn up, however, the theatre turned out to be too sketchy to know when or where he was on, so despite several attempts I failed to see him. Second prize goes to Magnus Betner. I don't know if he's any good but instead of going to find out I sat in a small room while two shit Australian comperes talked shite for so long I didn't get to do my act.
Tourism
Winner of
Winner of nicest extinct volcano I climbed on my birthday: Arthur's Seat
Winner of worst spot to earn money busking: A tie this year between The Meadows and Princes Street, but Princes Street shades it what with being much more unpleasant
Winner of most incredible view in a city full of incredible views: A very busy field; candidates include from the top of Arthur's Seat; on the 27 bus coming down from the Mound; the bottom of the Royal Mile when you turn right and suddenly see a mountain; I think I will go with the view west down George Street, just to be different.
Winner of nicest photo of Edinburgh views:
on top of Carlton Hill
Winner of place most likely to end up after taking too much acid: The Meadows.
Winner of best folk music pub: The Royal Oak edges it over the more famous Sandy Bell's, since the Oak is open til 4am.
Winner of most normal bit of Edinburgh: Leith Walk, more or less the Kentish Town Road of Scotland. Restored my faith in humanity when the theatrical types, theatrical prices and the corporate city centre were doing it in.
Food
Winner of cheapest, decentist dinner: The Mosque Kitchen, West Nicolson Street. Kitchen for the Edinburgh Central Mosque. Massive feed for under a fiver. Well worth it for those scraping by through the month or even the year.
Winner of nicest poshest dinner: The dogs, Hanover Street.
Winner of best takeaway: Kebab Mahal, Nicolson Square. Despite taking an unfeasibly long time to get the food out, and despite advertising themselves as selling pizzas, this place does very fine Pakistani cooking at very decent prices. Some strange interlopers on the menu, like houmous and paklava.
Winner of best falafel: Seriously large competition, but I'm going to go for the very first one I ate at Mediterranean Gate, 48 George IV Bridge.
Winner of most amusing posh delicatessen name: Peckham's. I also saw Skalli beer for sale.
Winner of best fish and chip shop: L'Alba D'Or, Henderson Row; deep-fried everything: deep-fried pizza, deep-fried black pudding, deep-fried cauliflower; but pretty good deep-fried everything. I was at first put off by the list of fish available (under Fish in the menu is just one entry: Fish) but whatever fish it was, it was fluffy and tasty.
Winner of Chinese restaurant I recommend you go to: The Star Sea, Lady Lawson St, just up from Grassmarket, pricey, but full of Chinese, which should tell you all you need to know.
Bonus prize
2010's Themes of the Fringe: I am an Australian comedian; I've added a ukelele to perk up a shit act; diseases beginning with D (dementia, dyslexia, dysentry, doughnutophobia); manly activities (boxing, bare knuckle fighting, bear baiting) cos we ain't all fuckin luvvie duvvies knarwatameen; cockney kneesups; time travel; I used to be a sex worker/stripper/man.
